I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You need a sexual gate keeper
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
