Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just found puke in my bra..
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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