Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
