My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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