32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
and you fell through a lawn chair
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
