I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
