so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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