is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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