I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
