No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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