He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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