tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
