I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Is it penis luge time yet?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
