Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
