Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
