Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
