my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
