I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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