either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
