my phone needs a breathalizer
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
