My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
