I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
