And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
