Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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