Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
