im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Vodka?
Forever.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
