Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
