Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
