Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
