i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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