Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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