I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
