I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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