I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
