Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
