So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
