I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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