just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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