No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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