Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I didn't notice because vodka
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
wow bdsm is so cute
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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