Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
