I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
