trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
