Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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