would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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