They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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