Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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