I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
