I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
