I am puke
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I think weed is turning my hair brown
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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