you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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